Floating In Grief
by Buster's Jezebel
Summary: Van is grieving after Doug has passed away. No smut for those who know my usual writing style so you may want to give this a miss. Emotional angst and the F bomb is about as explicit as this one gets. But Van's grief needs to be heard.


"No." Van shakes his head as his father wheels toward him with the tie he'd worn to dinner at Doug's place several weeks ago. He turns to the mirror and looks at himself without actually meeting his own eyes.

"You should wear a tie, it's a sign of respect." His father's tone is muted. Everything is muted. Colours, sounds, taste. Everything. Everything bright and colourful has been taken from Van's world he thinks.

"No." He settles his shirt collar against the sports coat and pulls the cuffs the way he'd seen his father do a thousand times over the years. Shaking his head he looks down at his father's shoes that he was borrowing. He'd polished them this morning as the sun rose over the pond.

Van hears his father sigh and sees him put the tie down. Then he stands unsteadily and steps toward Van as if he is drunk which was probably true. But the prosthetic legs also made him walk like he was drunk. He braced himself on the bathroom door frame. "Do I look okay?" He asks Van.

Nodding Van turns to him. "Yeah, you do Dad." He says. "Thanks for coming." He surprises himself by brushing his father's shoulder as he walks past. In the kitchen he has a cigarette for breakfast, his stomach is churning at the thought of food, or even liquid. He can't really remember when or what he last ate.

His father clumps in behind him bracing himself on the walls. His crutches are standing by the door for him to use when the leave the house. One of his father's last remaining friends is driving them to the service and then the cemetery. Van sniffs back a sob. He's been crying on and off for days. The tears getting him at odd unexpected times. He hasn't set foot in the pond since he'd dragged Doug's body out of it a week ago.

Scrubbing his hand up over his freshly shaven face and through his hair he turns and walks out the back door onto the landing. Flip and Jason had left town that night. They had no idea what the fuck had happened to him, to Doug. Van knew, he knew that Doug had let himself drown. Aside from Van himself he was the strongest swimmer he knew. It didn't matter how many drugs or how much alcohol he had in his system, he would have been able to survive. If he'd wanted to.

But Van thinks Doug had been waiting to die for a while now. His will to live beaten out of him by his father. And that was all the worse because his father hadn't even really known he was doing it. But Van had, he'd seen it. And he'd still been looking to find a way to accept the scholarship offer to the state college knowing, fucking knowing that was just eroding Doug's will to live that much more.

Van leans his elbows on the railing as he looks at the water through the trees, he felt a need to swim with every fiber of his being but was ignoring it. He shouldn't ever swim again. It should be his punishment for not being able to save Doug. Van knows he will swim again, Doug would want him to. But he can't yet.

"Time to go son." His father's words are soft behind him. He's standing there with his crutches in place. Van hears the car pull up out front. He nods and thumbs away the cigarette.

##########

Entering the funeral home Van and his father sit inconspicuously in the last row. They bow their heads and don't look up until the service begins. It is about half way through when Van realises it's nothing like Doug. His father is giving one of the eulogies that starts to bring him back to life. It's a mockery of Doug's life, a mockery of Doug. His father hadn't known him. The other guy's hadn't known him. Not really. Van had, he'd known his secret.

And Doug was nothing less because of it. That he preferred guy's butts to fuck didn't matter to Van in the slightest. Hell after the shit he'd just gone through with Julie he could actually understand it. He remembered breaking into Doug's old school and sitting by the pool and Doug crying. They should have left when they'd decided to. They could have found money, gotten jobs. Something.

But staying had opened the door for Doug's father to help Van kill him. Or be responsible for his death. Van started shaking, his father thought he was shaking in grief. But he wasn't, he was shaking with fury.

When the service is over they wait until everyone has left the room before they make their way slowly outside, Van gets in the back of the car and the friend and his father make small talk on the way to the cemetery. Once there again they stand back. Van can tell his father's strength is waning from having to use his crutches when he usually uses his wheelchair. As the casket is lowered into the ground Van's calm breaks again.

Crossing his arms with his fingers braced in his armpits the way he usually does when he's trying to keep himself together Van watches everything become blurry. He is crying again. Tears continue to fall as Doug's family each throw a handful of dirt on the casket and then walk away followed by everyone else who'd attended. Except Van and his father. They stand still and silent; Van with tears still running down his face. He is breathing through his mouth now, his nose is so blocked. He feels his father by his side and is grateful but he has still never felt so alone in his life.

He knows he'll always have a hole inside him now. A hole that had been filled for a very brief time by Doug's friendship and love. Something he'd taken for granted would always be around. He is so fucking stupid. Why, his mind rages, why had he not just said no to the scholarship? Why had he not thought of Doug, why had he been so fucking selfish? Why? Why? Why?

It is only when Van's father stumbles that Van comes back to himself. They're alone on the little knoll, no other mourners in sight. The cemetery workers are commencing to fill Doug's grave. Van turns to his father and simply hugs him. It is the second hug they've shared in at least twelve months.

Then he helps his father back to his friend's car and shuts his door.

"Thanks Dad, I appreciate it. I'm gonna walk home, I need the air." He turns and starts walking before his father can say anything else.

And so Van wanders, down memory lane with the ghost of Doug walking by his side. The houses they'd stood lookout at for Flip and Jason, the bank of the pond where they'd been staying for the summer, the train tracks they'd walked up and down almost daily on their way places, or when they were just hanging out and talking to each other. The tunnel they'd shared their first toke.

The sun is beginning to set when Van walks past his old house on the way around the pond to his current one. He looks up at it for so long it is fully dark when he starts to walk again toward his current home. He could walk his way around the pond blindfolded he thinks. He's past his old house when his name is called softly. It is Doug's mother. Standing at the foot of the stairs leading up to the house.

Van swallows several times before he can even turn to face her. When he does he doesn't seen blame in her eyes, grief yes, sorrow yes. Blame no. He frowns at her when she smiles.

"Doug was a strong swimmer, it didn't matter how much he'd smoked or drank, he could have survived." She pauses here looking at Van steadily making sure he's really listening before she continues. "If he'd wanted to. Van, it wasn't your fault in any way, you need to know that and remember that." And then she is gone.

##########

Walking inside his house when he eventually makes it home Van is shocked. It's clean and orderly. The dishes are done, there is hardly any dust around. His father's paints and lead soldiers are sitting on the desk he'd originally placed under the window for them, they're not spread all over the kitchen like usual.

Heading to his bedroom he glances into the bathroom, also clean. His father's bedroom is clean as well. When he enters his bedroom it's been cleaned too. Shaking his head Van undresses and falls into bed naked. He hopes like hell his father doesn't call for him tonight.

The next morning Van wakes with the sun. He throws on some shorts and heads out to the pond taking a towel. The weather was cooling, he feels it brush over his skin, winter was on its way. At the dock he stands there for some time before he puts down the towel and dives in. Taking his time he does his usual swim. When he's back at the dock he has company.

Dough's father is standing there holding his towel. "Scholarship is confirmed, you need to be at the school this time next week. You'll take Doug's spot on the swim team." He looks steadily at Van as he speaks handing him the towel when he's finished. Van shakes his head.

"No, thank you but no. I'm not going to college, at least not this year." He really has no idea what he wants to do but he knows that he won't be going to college any time soon.

"You don't have a choice son, you took my son's life, you'll take his place on the swim team." Doug's father looks him in the eyes as he speaks and Van knows he's already replacing Doug with him.

"No." Is all he says as he turns and walks away.

"This opportunity won't ever come to you again, you think on that." Doug's father says to him as he walks off the dock and back toward his house, Van's old house. Van wraps the towel around himself and walks up the steps to his current house.

##########

Three weeks later it's Sarah that he sees. He's been expecting and dreading her. She had been closest with Doug. He remembers when they'd sit on the lounge and poke at her making like it was the other one doing it. She'd felt like his own sister for a while. She's sitting on the dock when he comes down one morning.

"I miss him Van." She says to him.

"I miss him too Sarah." Van answers her back. He sits beside her on the dock and they just watch the pond.

"Dad wants to sell up but Mum won't, they're getting a divorce." She surprises the hell out of him with that statement.

"Are you sure?" He can't help asking, she's young yet, she might be wrong.

"Yeah, Mum said she was going to the attorney today, said she'd had enough of Dad and his fucking around with people's lives and other women. What's she mean by that?" Sarah asks him. She looks at Van and he sees tears in her eyes.

How the fuck was he supposed to answer that? "Ah, well I guess she's saying your dad maybe tries to control people too much?" Van says to her as he puts an arm around her shoulders. She nestles into his side and they sit like that for some time.

They finally stir when Sarah's mother arrives. She takes Sarah home and Van dives into the pond for his daily swim. Over the coming months he watches some furniture be removed from his old house, Doug's house now. He sees some delivered and then Christmas decorations go up. And then it hits him what time of year it was.

Shopping for a present for his father was a no brainer. Art supplies. No alcohol this year though. He'd taken a few weeks to notice his father had stopped drinking. And he was using his legs more.

##########

The day before Christmas his father comes to him and tells him to pack a bag. Assuming they're going on a trip Van complies. When they get to the bus station his father walks with him to the map of their country. He stares at it and Van stares at him.

"Pick a place, I'm buying you a ticket." His father says. Van frowns.

"What?" He looks at the map.

His father puts a hand on his shoulder. "You're dying here son, you need to leave, pick a place." He looks at Van and Van see's tears in his eyes.

And he realises his father is letting him go. Letting him go to find his own place in the world. He begins to shake.

"What if, what if I can't find what I want?" He asks on a gasp as he tries to catch his breath at the gift his father was giving him.

"Then you don't stop looking until you do." Van nods around the tears clogging his throat. He looks at the map.

"Miami." He speaks finally. His father nods and moves slowly toward the ticket booth.

Van looks after him and then turns toward the exit of the bus station. For a second he thinks he sees Doug there smiling at him and nodding. Then he blinks and there is nothing.

But he gets the message. Doug approves. And with a lighter though not completely healed heart Van turns and walks toward his father and the ticket in his hands.


End file.
